Unit 3: My personal level of wellness

When I first read our assignment for the blog this week I didn't whether to laugh or cry. Me, Optimal Wellness, ya right. I can honestly say that it is a new journey for me. One that I believe I have been looking towards for many years but am just now learning where the path starts. I would have to say my physical well-being is at a 0, my spiritual well-being maybe a 4 and my psychological well-being definitely in negative numbers, like a -10. LOL

There are many reasons as to why my well-being is in such a state and just sitting here thinking of them all is bringing me to tears. If you asked anyone who knows me to define suffering they would probably simply say, "Cherie."  In the realm of struggles, abuses, idiotic mistakes and just about anything else imaginable I have experienced and while I have survived through it all I can definitely now say I have not lived through it all.  I have rebuilt my life more times than I care to count and yet never have I built a thriving life. The thought of being happy actually terrifies me as I am so use to being down I don't know what to do with happiness and even worse I truly have believed that I do not deserve happiness because of the mistakes I have made in my life.

I am where I am now because I came here to heal and rebuild my life again. I'm not sure if it is coincident, irony, or life sadistic yet somewhat needed slap upside the head with a big dead fish, that I have this class this term. As this class has already forced me and helped me to start facing some long, deeply hidden hurts. Opening doors in my mind which have been sealed, for good reason, for decades. I know what it feels like to fall to floor on knees, heaving tears of pain, begging God to explain "'why".  I know what it feels like to hide it all so that when your sweet babies enter the room you are the bright, happy, nurturing Mother you need to be. How do you fix a vessel that is literally leaking everywhere?

Tried counselor, psychologists, psychiatrists and always I hear the same things. You have so much pain, you're carrying a truck load. Here, take this it will help..Great..pills.  You're going through a period of depression, here..take this.  I walked away from each one of them.  For some reason I knew deep inside that pills were not my answer. I wanted someone to help me face my life not veil it by putting me in a medicated coma. I truly believe that if these doctors would really help people with their lives they could stop prescribing so many drugs. But, they prefer to sit in their leather chairs, watching the clocks, going over in their heads how many and what strength prescriptions they are going to send you off with. No thanks. I am stronger than that.

The goal I want to set for myself physically is to lose weight as I have over the years gained a ton of it but I have realized that's not going to happen with my current state of mind.  I don't think we can improve what we don't have an appreciation for. so my physical goal is to find an appreciate for my physical body.  I am working on getting outside and walking for my physical activity. I think this will help me to feel my body and clear my mind. I have shut down and turned off so much of myself that often I feel simply numb. So, I think first feeling my body would be a good goal through physical activity.

Psychologically my goal is to give my mind a break.  There is no greater suffering in this world than that which we inflict upon ourselves and I have mastered that art. The activity I am going to work on for this goal is some positive feedback. Every time I catch myself telling me something negative about myself or thinking I can't or won't ever be able to do something I am going to change those sentences into positive ones.

Spiritually I need to let myself and the world off the hook. I need to learn how to forgive, true forgiveness. For this I am going to try some forgiving visualization exercises. I am hoping that if I visualize myself forgiving myself and others that it might break down some deep seeded barriers and allow me to open back up to myself, others and the world.