Unit 6 Blog Assignments

Hello everyone. It has definitely been a difficult morning. I must say to begin, that life brings to you what you need when you need and although I have never truly believed in saying like that I do now. This class has done so much for me in opening me up and my exercises this week really culminated with a test that proved to me beyond any shadows that the teachings and lessons we are learning are truly the path I need to be on.  I started the universal loving-kindness early in the week and have gone through it a few times. I did find that it was easier for me to take one line at a time and spend a meditation session with it and then the next session take the next line into thought.  My first session with the exercise was really broken feeling as I kept looking in the book for the next line and I couldn't really stabilize my mind going back and forth from the stillness to what to do next. 

I also started working on the assessment process early in the week and I found it to be quit difficult. I think mostly because truly assessing ourselves involves really facing ourselves and being honest about our weaknesses and things perhaps we might do that we are not ready to face.  I believe that the area I need to grow in most is Interpersonal and that the personal and family levels are where my focus needs to be at this time. While I hope to working on all the levels and aspects Interpersonal and then Biological are my weakest areas and I've decided to start with the Interpersonal as I believe my need for development there outweighs all the others and also that the benefits of developing Interpersonal will affects Biological as well.

I need to develop a confidence personally that can be used to strengthen my inner life and so that I am not so naively moved or affected by the wants and thoughts of others. I want to be a loving and compassionate presence to others but, I also want that to be in a healthy manner and not feel obligated, guilt ridden or controlled by others as well. I need to be able to know and have confidence that I am sending to other spiritual through loving kindness is what is proper for all and understand that they may not perceive it that way as they are most likely not doing the integral work that I have started with this class.

Back to this morning. I picked up my two girls this weekend for their Christmas break. I am so grateful, happy and blessed to have them back with me for any amount of time. Having to relocate to find work and leave them behind has been the hardest thing I've ever had to live through.  My youngest is quit emotionally driven as I am and this morning she had an extremely debilitating panic attack.  It got to the point where all she could do is scream and was unable to move any part of her body.  I noticed as a panic attack early on and was able to get her sitting in a comfortable chair before it completely took over but, it was terrifying to see my baby like that and at first my mind was everywhere and tears were welling up inside me and in my confusion which was about the longest 20 to 30 seconds I think I've ever experienced I was able to quiet my mind and refocus on only her and the attack.  I used the lines of the universal loving-kindness exercise and change the "all individuals" to "my daughter".  I rubbed her neck and shoulders, talked softly to her and while her sister and I both held a hand I told her to send all her pain out her arms to us, that we could handle it and it wouldn't hurt us. Then I clear my mind again and kept my thoughts on the universal loving kindness thoughts that I changed and although it took about a half hour total we made noticeable incremental progress every few minutes. it was very hectic because I had her sister, my mother and had started cooking breakfast before her attack began. The amazing thing to me is how I was able to manage my surroundings while keeping my focus on her and with an utter state of calm because I wanted her to feel peace and calm from me. The exercises worked and about 20 minutes in she stopped screaming and started talking and asked me when it would stop and I looked her in the eyes and told her that it would stop when she wanted it to.  This really helped her. She went back to sending us her pain for a few more minutes and then made the statement that she wanted to move and she did so. We got her to the table, and she ate a bit of breakfast, then she showered and laid down for a bit of a nap. So now, I can sit here and cry because she can't see me and the emotion of all that happened and the release I feel from knowing I handled it, handled it well, helped my daughter and was able to use the practices in a scary situation is just quite a lot. I am truly grateful to life for guiding me to this class, our professor Mark who am I incredibly grateful to for all he is teaching us and to all of you whom have talked with me in the boards and blogs and who have shared your experiences.  Today was the first day I truly felt inside I could make my life and the life of another better, happier and less painful.
I am going to be a good amount of time this Christmas weekend out on the lawn on blankets with my girls teaching them the loving kindness exercises and getting them started on their own integral path. I hope that learning these concepts young will help them balance their own lives as they grow.

Love to you all and Merry Christmas
Cherie